Locked

This morning I babysat for Livi and Eli. As 9 o'clock is outrageously early to be awake, and I can hardly be expected to function properly, I was dosing off while watching Disney Channel with the kiddies. When I uncomfortably arose 10 minutes later, the strangest 10 seconds of my life happened. Everything was disoriented, it was like I was still in a dream. Fogged with confusion,  I told my arm to shift positions several times. It remained limp by my side. When I began to realize what was going on, I concocted a sentence in my head, and began to form my lips so they could release the message. To my horror, nothing came out. My mouth was paralyzed as well. All of this happened so quickly that I didn't have much time to settle into panic mode, before I became fully awake. But for about 7 seconds this morning, I was in sleep paralysis, where your mind is awake but your body isn't. I was shaken for the majority of the hours following. 

This picture is of Eli, as he is being guarded by the protective walls of his fort. I still don't understand why being engulfed in a cave of pillows and blankets is one of the most entertaining activities as a child. Maybe the sense of ownership, of your own space? Even if it is only big enough to fit your 6 year old self. A lot more goes on in a 6 year old brain than we generally assume. 

Haze

Sometimes confusion cancels it out.

Genuine

I have been awake for 36 hours straight. It is a pretty 'off' feeling, because your body is well aware that something is missing. I also wasn't hungry the majority of the day today. I only ended up eating one crepe and dinner at the flirtacious Mexican restaurant. I have iron eyelids.

I came to the conclusion that Holden Days is only enjoyable if you are under the age of 13 or over the age of 65. And I also concluded that I am not going to have a career in business, or sales marketing because I am not outgoing enough to take the initiative to sell a product. Never the less, we sold quite a few bags of organic, kosher, dog treats to support NEADS. 

I have a handful of friends who seem to already have it all figured out. They know what they are aiming for, and know how they are able to achieve it. I envy this on one hand, but on the other it is just too nice to have any feeling towards besides extreme pleasure. I am so happy that they are this smart and genuine. Maybe one day I can mimic their behavior, or just find how to manage my own. 

I am currently blogging from Phoebe's new college laptop. I hate this thing, it is going to mercilessly tear her away from me and bring her to college.

 

Early

No part of me was anticipating waking up at 8:30 today. I took my jolly old time completing my daily AP work last night, fully relying on the fact that there was going to be nothing waking my slumbers in the morning. You know that feeling, when you are deep asleep, and something wakes you up so quickly that you think you feel every single one of your organs wake up? That's what I imagine anyways. Well, this morning my mother came into my room, busy and exasperated and said "EMILY! You have to pick up the CDs on the living room floor before the cleaning lady gets here!" I felt so disoriented that I forgot that put my glasses on, thus running into several objects on my way downstairs. As I finished my apparently life-or-death-matter, extremely-urgent task, I attempted to go back to sleep. About 10 minutes later I hear the power washer turn on outside on the deck, and the house begins to fill with a faint, yet potent smell of gasoline. Soon enough the fire alarm is blaring and I am sitting outside in the only smell-free zone I could find, cradling Stella. 

I like other's birthdays possibly more than my own, because of the challenge to make them as happy as possible. 18 18 18.

Relate Me Please

My muscles feel like they are being inserted into a meat shredder, and tiny splinters of metal are jabbing into their deteriorating, mangled pieces. I hope this is some sort of relatable description for you. Sometimes I just wish I could relate to whatever people are trying to tell or share with me, and fully understand their feeling without urging them to find some fantom words to describe it. When the truth is, we do not have nearly enough words or concepts to wrap our minds around other's feelings and thoughts.  

The song of the day is With Arms Outstetched by Rilo Kiley. Listening to this album, made me cry for the third time tonight. 

and if you want me, you better speak up, i won't wait. 

Robin Williams' Birthday

I am puzzled and in awe over the fact that both Joey and Phoebe have managed to blog (basically) everyday of this summer. Props to them, for being consistent even when it is a hassle. 

So this week is that painful week, in every 16 year old's life, when the law requires you to sit in a classroom and be lectured about how we are basically expected to die as soon as we start driving. I have only been through 14 hours so far, and I have seen well over ten sob stories about tragic, careless car wrecks. The first couple stories were sad and the message sunk in (no texting [the word texting is being underlined as need to be spell checked! haha] while driving, no drinking and driving, wear your seat belt, etc.) But then! I got overwhelming deja-vu of health class, where they inform you that if you have sex, you will catch 7 STDs and most likely die. Sex=death, drving=death also. Teachers just want to tell you that there are way more ways for you to die than there actually are.  Did you know it is against the law to hang those air freshener thingys from the review mirror? 

I can overhear my mother watching the news on television, and they are sharing information about road rage. I can't escape it!

I went to dance tonight for the first time in 2 months. Yolanta, my bone-thin-Lithuanian ballet mistress, was surprisingly nice. She didn't make me want to curl up in a ball and hide in a hole and never do ballet ever again.. like usual. I didn't even get yelled at for not sweating enough- INSANE. So yeah, ballet hurt. I am so out of shape and am going to be dancing 8 hours a day, everyday next week. Better get shaping. 

I am mostly care-free and especially happy. 

You're The Only Proper Noun I Need

Oh hello bloggosphere! Sorry I haven't blogged in an extended period of time, I promise it won't be a regular thing. I WILL continue to blog regularly. (I am convincing myself of this fact more than anyone else.) I have too much to say and the only way I can logically organize it is in narrative numbering. So here it goes. 

1. Bears are really not as scary as the Yosemite park rangers worked them up to be. They just seem like big, (but not even that big) dumb dogs. I am though, glad that the only bear I saw was from the protection of my noble van. I am really grateful that this beautiful land is protected by the government, but about 95% of the people who visit Yosemite don't even hike it. They stay in obnoxious RVs or hotels and eat from the restaurants and buy junk from the gift shop. I sound snobby, but oh well. 

2. The midnight view of the clusters of stars flooding the Yosemite sky is something I can't describe. If you ever get the chance, it is worth a good solid hour of gazing. Also- eating uncooked rice for dinner made me feel slightly like Bear Grillz. It was satisfying in a why-the-hell-am-I-eating-this sort of way. 

3. Berkeley, California! What a place. 

4. I can't hear my music because the pounding droplets of rain on my deck are drowning out the minimal volume on this computer. 

5. I just made $50 for making a frozen pizza and watching Hannah Montanna for 4 hours!

pull me, pull me on out of this tree i'm stuck up a branch waiting clearly caught between two things unclear to me