Let Them Seize The Way

To be honest, I have been corrupted by the blogging world. That is probably the wrong word choice, but it sounds like it accurately describes my lack of will to post. I can't remember what I am blogging for anymore. Which leads me to thoughts of, why do it if there is no purpose? I don't know. I'll just make documenting lists.

1. I got my license. Wooooo! I guess it really is a large stepping stone on the rungs of life. Saturday was such a crisp day. I actually found myself giving winter some credit for finding something beautiful to show us. The sky could have been mistaken for a summer shade of blue, and the air had a flavor of spring, shielded of course by the overpowering chill. I drove home with my windows open, something that I closely link with listening to Paul Simon in that golden Maxima.

2. I spent a lot of time with my family this weekend. We saw Loudon Wainwright III, and I remembered how nostalgic I grow for my childhood when I hear folk music. Phoebe and I sang a lot together. She is getting pretty fluid at playing the guitar, and I withhold my talent of harmonizing (hitting every single note but the correct one) when singing. She got swallowed up by Amherst today, but I wasn't so sad this time. I am learning how to stand strong on my own.

3. Erin and I were first hand witnesses to a severe felony. We crossed paths with professional shoplifters at the mall tonight. They are nicknamed the 'Night Sisters' because they always strike at closing hours of the mall. It was totally the real deal, chase down, get away car and all. Yeah, NBD.

4. And an even a more rewarding moment that I witnessed, was my dearest friends growing comfortable with things they had never felt right doing before. A little taste of confidence that has the potential to grow into something so much more. I am simply inflated with love when I see you squint, beam a smile, a contract with laughter. I'm a witness to change.

5. I grew increasingly paranoid and jealous. Ahhhhhh get out of me! You are not welcomed here.

Gatsby

"there are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy, and the tired" - nick carraway

i don't know if any of them seem particularly enjoyable, but what a wise quote it is.

Stella

As previously stated this week;

You gwyne to have considerable trouble in yo' life, en considable joy. Sometimes you gwyne to git hurt, en sometimes you gwyne to git sick; but every time you's gwyne to git well agin.

Soon I will be ready to git well agin, but right now grieving takes priority. This blog is dedicated to everyone who had tears rolling down their cheeks today. And to Stella.

the road

if this week was a road, it would be made up of primarily cobblestone. a consistent forth coming of bumps and mishaps. due to the millions of travelers upon this path, there is much destruction; pot holes everywhere. heart break, failure, disease, disappointment, surgery, tears, entrapment. every traveler, it seems, has fallen into one pot hole or another. redemption comes every few hundred feet, when a glimmering ray of sunshine trickles down upon the cold-stricken ground. sunshine coming in the form of a warm pressed hug of endearment, a sweater with a familiar scent, a simple thoughtful comment, a mix CD from the heart of a most dear friend, a reach for contact through the separation of our desks, a consistent stream of longed-for goodnight wishes. the road will end with impact, relief, and a seldom thought of mistakes made. the sunshine has given us a more than adequate amount of vitamin D, we are now thriving with love.

Ventalation

is it the salt in tears, that make them sting your cheeks when dried there? i was in the car tonight, headed in the familiar direction of home. the 22 degree cold inhibited my lungs with my sporadic and spastic breathing. there was jazz music on, loud enough to seep up any spare noises in the confined space. my hand rested upon the cracked skin that wraps the bones in my dad's fingers. 'proximal phalange, middle phalange, distal phalange'- i guess they are named in latin. street lights fuzzed into lost hope as the tears welded in my eye sockets. here i was sitting, discovering places where i am currently resting on false happiness. must learn to accept, confront, live through these things in my life. and thats the way its going to happen.

but now i have to go put a blanket, a facade and a fraud chuckle on these emotions. green gloves by the national is song of the day.

Picking Apples, Making Pies

turn the light out, say goodnight

no thinking for a little while

This 'group' shit is getting way out of hand. I have been living in a lala of gratitude to all of the great friendships I have been forming in these past few months. I think i'm hogging all the happiness here. And I am left with nothing to say but "I feel so bad!" heart-broken, pain struck by the discomfort of others. Trying to help doesn't always succeed in making a difference, but right now I think it is the best I can do.

I'm getting gum surgery on Friday mmmm.

let's not try to figure everything out at once

it's hard to keep track of you falling through the sky

we're half awake, in a fake empire

Twenty Ten

I have started reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn for English. As the days of vacation rolled by, and this book remained untouched, I would grow more and more evasive to the sinking guilt inside me. So many other thoughts are linked to procrastination- failure, cheating, stupidity, laziness. Last night, as I melted into the zebra print of Phoebe's snuggie, by the fire, I opened the pages of my guilt. I made eye contact, focused, listened, and accepted it all. And you know what? Nothing bad happened! I was happy. As I felt Stella's seasoned body mold into the spaces between my thighs, my mind was also molding around the wise words of Jim:

You gwyne to have considerable trouble in yo' life, en considable joy. Sometimes you gwyne to git hurt, en sometimes you gwyne to git sick; but every time you's gwyne to git well agin.

Everything suddenly became one huge metaphor, all twisted about into a web of realization and change. I seem to do that a lot, link everything. Because really, if you think hard enough, you can make everything relate. Here was the new year- a clean slate of opportunity.

Trying to re-capsulate 2009 was nearly impossible. One major thing I realized this year is that I have severe troubles controlling the amount that my sister effects me. Everything she thinks, does, wears, says, listens to, subconsciously crawls into my brain and massacres all of my own thoughts. In so many ways, I owe her the most sincere form of gratitude for this. In the latter years of this century she has widened my mind so far that sometimes it hurt. Introduced to countless amounts of music, movies, ideas. She made me confident, happy, and made me laugh more than anyone else ever has. I consider myself so lucky to have a guiding force like you in my life, Pheebs. I get extremely frightened when I think of myself without you. But all of this influence is only healthy to a certain extent. I realized this on September 6th, this past year, when the ending of our childhood together was finalized. I cried so hard. I was mercilessly terrified, not knowing that I could stand strong, alone on my own two wide feet. That last hug symbolized so much more than the physical separation of our bodies. It was an opportunity for me, one that I was in great need of. And now I am just rambling and being dramatic. But basically what I owe is a one huge lard of a thank you.

And to put it simply, in regards to every friend I have found something special in this year: i have arms for them. You are who I want to build myself out of, learn with, experience high school with. Aren't we so fortunate to have found such love?

To Do List of One Ohh

- learn
- read
- write
- accomplish
- travel
- succeed
- love
- build
- bake
- enable
- laugh
- help
- give
- warm another
- express
- create
- cry
- clean
- breathe in new air