A Cold Weekend

One hour ago, my heart was whizzing. I was feeling alive and vivacious and I was ready for something to happen. I had reached a revelation and I was all set to blog this catharsis of a blog and tie one huge knot as an acceptance to all the events that happened this weekend. I read Emily's blog and she made me want to run and scream and hug and agree, all the time. Well no, not really run because my body doesn't like doing that very much, despite how satisfactory the concept sounds. How tempting, to let the combination of internal drive and the power engines of your legs carry you from point A to point B. I imagine the knowledge of your self-success is pleasing. Maybe I will try running sometime.

I have found two pillars. They came to the rescue this weekend, and held up my foundation, preventing it from crumbling into a pit of worthless sorrow. They are tall and strong and have goals in life. Together we ventured out into the land of vulnerability, and relapsed back into the fetal position deep within the crevices of my bed sheets. I don't think they realize how impossible these days would have been without them. Impossible to the point where I was subconsciously accepting the fact that I was going to go numb. I was going to stay in that state of denial, and refuse to sink my fingers into the flesh of this utter desperation. Staring into blank space, concentrating solely on the rhythmic rasp of my breaths. All because this is what I am good at, it is how I cope without letting anxiety overcome me with irrational fears and worries. But you know what?! Times like these the only justified answer is mounds and mounds of anxiety. Sobs, clenched bodies, sickened stomachs, headaches, dizziness, hyperventilation. Every single bit of it at the time sucks. I can't count how many times I moved the trash can just a little bit closer to me, as assurance that my potential throw up would not land on my carpet.

This weekend brought the coldest weather we have had during this winter. Doing what I always do, I couldn't help but relate this directly to the events of this weekend. Funerals are cold, no matter what the season. Bodies are cold when their blood is swapped with formaldehyde. Our lungs were cold when the frigid air entered through desperate gasps.

The cold, the tears, the formaldehyde. Crisp cracks in your hands. Waxy skin and red-skinned face, ruffles on your shirt and a pat of the back. Tears trickled down your cleavage and a used tissue was left in my pocket. The pizza was burnt, and your teacher arrived. Heavy hearted, fine eyed and ready, mascara streaked with anger to the brim. Questions of 'how?' escaped, interrupted with laugh like sobs. Ruuuuush. I feel so alive.

while i'm alive i'll feel alive

and what's next?

i guess i'll know when i've gotten there.

am i careful, until past dull,

will be is or has been.

hope i'm waxing as in half full.

Nausea

on the floor, at the great divide

with my shirt tucked in, and my shoes untied

i am crying in the bathroom

Have you ever had an injury, one that has the capability to hinder your performance in all ways? And you do nothing but dream of days when said ailment ceased to exist? Over and over again, scenarios are screeching by. Saying what could have or should have changed, how the itching, pulling, tearing, torture of your muscles is a constant reality in your nervous system. Denial, acceptance, cover-up; they will not alter the reality, they will merely form a 'new normal.' An adjustment to a prerogative, regardless of what could have or should have been done. And that is the way injury sinks in.

I sat at your knees today, crying into the hardness of your jeans. We locked the doors, and increased the volume knob on the radio to drown out the sobs. From there I went searching for safety. And a safe island, that it was. A haven for the torn, the shredded, the hollow. I rested there, with my face pressed into the plush forgiveness of the pillow. All around me were entangling alliances, entangled limbs. Bearing dead weight down upon me, sinking pressure into my shell of a body. Or maybe it was just that weight of the air, so filled with emotions. I wanted to push it all off with every bit of strength I possessed. I wanted to fight back; as if I wasn't helpless. With my attempts, I came faced with the fact that I had none. My strength was disappearing, I was withering into a fading abyss of naivety. My stomach was empty but my heart was filled to the brim, overflowing with emotions whose existence I was unaware of. My arms felt numb. The blood had halted its flow, turning my clenched fists into something of the past. As we were driving from the red house, the one beside the red barn, I clenched your hand. We formed a fist, and found remnants of the broken strength. A deep breathe and a reluctant heart beat, we were on our way to the dangers, loneliness, stark bare 'real world'. The world where you need a defense to even fight your own body. That body who has suddenly turned against you in a whirlwind of sickness. Strength from the support of your clench, from the forgiveness of your pillow, from the overflow of my heart. Strength to discover that new normal. I hope you feel this strength.

and the cardinal hits the window.

Payne-Aldrich Treaty

Hopefully I will recall the struggles and torture this day gave to me, next time I set out to memorize every historical event that occurred within a 100 year time span.

Aside from all of that, this weekend was all nice. Friday night I came home to a dimly lit house, where my Dad was sitting wrapped in a knitted afghan. He was watching Frost/Nixon, and drinking tea (per-usual.) The safety that was encompassed in this scenario was so pleasing, I re-fell in love with my house.

Oh yeah, why am I blogging again? Silly me to think I had time to do something other than read amsco. A creative re-birth will come on Tuesday at 11:55.

like a backdrop of sails, all aglow from the light,

you stand there, your wicked blood and your curls.

Midterm Loving

I do not understand how my brain is suppose to go about retaining all this information. And why is it, that remembering 3.78L=1gal is seemingly more difficult than remembering dance steps. Or how to walk, speak, breathe, talk, write. My brain can work some miracles.. but chemistry is not one of them.

23

You give me solid 23 minutes of smiling, even though your hair is liked greased lightening.

Let Them Seize The Way

To be honest, I have been corrupted by the blogging world. That is probably the wrong word choice, but it sounds like it accurately describes my lack of will to post. I can't remember what I am blogging for anymore. Which leads me to thoughts of, why do it if there is no purpose? I don't know. I'll just make documenting lists.

1. I got my license. Wooooo! I guess it really is a large stepping stone on the rungs of life. Saturday was such a crisp day. I actually found myself giving winter some credit for finding something beautiful to show us. The sky could have been mistaken for a summer shade of blue, and the air had a flavor of spring, shielded of course by the overpowering chill. I drove home with my windows open, something that I closely link with listening to Paul Simon in that golden Maxima.

2. I spent a lot of time with my family this weekend. We saw Loudon Wainwright III, and I remembered how nostalgic I grow for my childhood when I hear folk music. Phoebe and I sang a lot together. She is getting pretty fluid at playing the guitar, and I withhold my talent of harmonizing (hitting every single note but the correct one) when singing. She got swallowed up by Amherst today, but I wasn't so sad this time. I am learning how to stand strong on my own.

3. Erin and I were first hand witnesses to a severe felony. We crossed paths with professional shoplifters at the mall tonight. They are nicknamed the 'Night Sisters' because they always strike at closing hours of the mall. It was totally the real deal, chase down, get away car and all. Yeah, NBD.

4. And an even a more rewarding moment that I witnessed, was my dearest friends growing comfortable with things they had never felt right doing before. A little taste of confidence that has the potential to grow into something so much more. I am simply inflated with love when I see you squint, beam a smile, a contract with laughter. I'm a witness to change.

5. I grew increasingly paranoid and jealous. Ahhhhhh get out of me! You are not welcomed here.

Gatsby

"there are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy, and the tired" - nick carraway

i don't know if any of them seem particularly enjoyable, but what a wise quote it is.

Stella

As previously stated this week;

You gwyne to have considerable trouble in yo' life, en considable joy. Sometimes you gwyne to git hurt, en sometimes you gwyne to git sick; but every time you's gwyne to git well agin.

Soon I will be ready to git well agin, but right now grieving takes priority. This blog is dedicated to everyone who had tears rolling down their cheeks today. And to Stella.

the road

if this week was a road, it would be made up of primarily cobblestone. a consistent forth coming of bumps and mishaps. due to the millions of travelers upon this path, there is much destruction; pot holes everywhere. heart break, failure, disease, disappointment, surgery, tears, entrapment. every traveler, it seems, has fallen into one pot hole or another. redemption comes every few hundred feet, when a glimmering ray of sunshine trickles down upon the cold-stricken ground. sunshine coming in the form of a warm pressed hug of endearment, a sweater with a familiar scent, a simple thoughtful comment, a mix CD from the heart of a most dear friend, a reach for contact through the separation of our desks, a consistent stream of longed-for goodnight wishes. the road will end with impact, relief, and a seldom thought of mistakes made. the sunshine has given us a more than adequate amount of vitamin D, we are now thriving with love.

Ventalation

is it the salt in tears, that make them sting your cheeks when dried there? i was in the car tonight, headed in the familiar direction of home. the 22 degree cold inhibited my lungs with my sporadic and spastic breathing. there was jazz music on, loud enough to seep up any spare noises in the confined space. my hand rested upon the cracked skin that wraps the bones in my dad's fingers. 'proximal phalange, middle phalange, distal phalange'- i guess they are named in latin. street lights fuzzed into lost hope as the tears welded in my eye sockets. here i was sitting, discovering places where i am currently resting on false happiness. must learn to accept, confront, live through these things in my life. and thats the way its going to happen.

but now i have to go put a blanket, a facade and a fraud chuckle on these emotions. green gloves by the national is song of the day.

Picking Apples, Making Pies

turn the light out, say goodnight

no thinking for a little while

This 'group' shit is getting way out of hand. I have been living in a lala of gratitude to all of the great friendships I have been forming in these past few months. I think i'm hogging all the happiness here. And I am left with nothing to say but "I feel so bad!" heart-broken, pain struck by the discomfort of others. Trying to help doesn't always succeed in making a difference, but right now I think it is the best I can do.

I'm getting gum surgery on Friday mmmm.

let's not try to figure everything out at once

it's hard to keep track of you falling through the sky

we're half awake, in a fake empire

Twenty Ten

I have started reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn for English. As the days of vacation rolled by, and this book remained untouched, I would grow more and more evasive to the sinking guilt inside me. So many other thoughts are linked to procrastination- failure, cheating, stupidity, laziness. Last night, as I melted into the zebra print of Phoebe's snuggie, by the fire, I opened the pages of my guilt. I made eye contact, focused, listened, and accepted it all. And you know what? Nothing bad happened! I was happy. As I felt Stella's seasoned body mold into the spaces between my thighs, my mind was also molding around the wise words of Jim:

You gwyne to have considerable trouble in yo' life, en considable joy. Sometimes you gwyne to git hurt, en sometimes you gwyne to git sick; but every time you's gwyne to git well agin.

Everything suddenly became one huge metaphor, all twisted about into a web of realization and change. I seem to do that a lot, link everything. Because really, if you think hard enough, you can make everything relate. Here was the new year- a clean slate of opportunity.

Trying to re-capsulate 2009 was nearly impossible. One major thing I realized this year is that I have severe troubles controlling the amount that my sister effects me. Everything she thinks, does, wears, says, listens to, subconsciously crawls into my brain and massacres all of my own thoughts. In so many ways, I owe her the most sincere form of gratitude for this. In the latter years of this century she has widened my mind so far that sometimes it hurt. Introduced to countless amounts of music, movies, ideas. She made me confident, happy, and made me laugh more than anyone else ever has. I consider myself so lucky to have a guiding force like you in my life, Pheebs. I get extremely frightened when I think of myself without you. But all of this influence is only healthy to a certain extent. I realized this on September 6th, this past year, when the ending of our childhood together was finalized. I cried so hard. I was mercilessly terrified, not knowing that I could stand strong, alone on my own two wide feet. That last hug symbolized so much more than the physical separation of our bodies. It was an opportunity for me, one that I was in great need of. And now I am just rambling and being dramatic. But basically what I owe is a one huge lard of a thank you.

And to put it simply, in regards to every friend I have found something special in this year: i have arms for them. You are who I want to build myself out of, learn with, experience high school with. Aren't we so fortunate to have found such love?

To Do List of One Ohh

- learn
- read
- write
- accomplish
- travel
- succeed
- love
- build
- bake
- enable
- laugh
- help
- give
- warm another
- express
- create
- cry
- clean
- breathe in new air