A Cold Weekend

One hour ago, my heart was whizzing. I was feeling alive and vivacious and I was ready for something to happen. I had reached a revelation and I was all set to blog this catharsis of a blog and tie one huge knot as an acceptance to all the events that happened this weekend. I read Emily's blog and she made me want to run and scream and hug and agree, all the time. Well no, not really run because my body doesn't like doing that very much, despite how satisfactory the concept sounds. How tempting, to let the combination of internal drive and the power engines of your legs carry you from point A to point B. I imagine the knowledge of your self-success is pleasing. Maybe I will try running sometime.

I have found two pillars. They came to the rescue this weekend, and held up my foundation, preventing it from crumbling into a pit of worthless sorrow. They are tall and strong and have goals in life. Together we ventured out into the land of vulnerability, and relapsed back into the fetal position deep within the crevices of my bed sheets. I don't think they realize how impossible these days would have been without them. Impossible to the point where I was subconsciously accepting the fact that I was going to go numb. I was going to stay in that state of denial, and refuse to sink my fingers into the flesh of this utter desperation. Staring into blank space, concentrating solely on the rhythmic rasp of my breaths. All because this is what I am good at, it is how I cope without letting anxiety overcome me with irrational fears and worries. But you know what?! Times like these the only justified answer is mounds and mounds of anxiety. Sobs, clenched bodies, sickened stomachs, headaches, dizziness, hyperventilation. Every single bit of it at the time sucks. I can't count how many times I moved the trash can just a little bit closer to me, as assurance that my potential throw up would not land on my carpet.

This weekend brought the coldest weather we have had during this winter. Doing what I always do, I couldn't help but relate this directly to the events of this weekend. Funerals are cold, no matter what the season. Bodies are cold when their blood is swapped with formaldehyde. Our lungs were cold when the frigid air entered through desperate gasps.

The cold, the tears, the formaldehyde. Crisp cracks in your hands. Waxy skin and red-skinned face, ruffles on your shirt and a pat of the back. Tears trickled down your cleavage and a used tissue was left in my pocket. The pizza was burnt, and your teacher arrived. Heavy hearted, fine eyed and ready, mascara streaked with anger to the brim. Questions of 'how?' escaped, interrupted with laugh like sobs. Ruuuuush. I feel so alive.

while i'm alive i'll feel alive

and what's next?

i guess i'll know when i've gotten there.

am i careful, until past dull,

will be is or has been.

hope i'm waxing as in half full.