Happy Hearts

Today is my parents' 20th wedding anniversary.

What? They have been whole-heartedly committed to each other for 20 years? Is that even possible? I have so many doubts about my ability to accomplish a similar relationship. There is so much I need experience as my single self. In the grand scale of things, I think I know close to nothing, compared to what is (hopefully) coming my way in the future. I guess thats why we all grow, mature, and eventually develop into the wise, beautiful people that we all have potential to be. My parents are two people who can put a large check mark next to this this on the: To-Do-In-Life-List. They are winners.

For some reason, I always interpret Phoebe's opinions of teachers as undoubtedly true. This is how our conversation went, prior to school beginning:

me: "Ohhhhh crap!!! I have Madame Scarsella. My life is over."

Phoebe: "Are you kidding! Emily, you will love that class. All you do is color and watch wicked good movies. And Madame loved me, so she will love you too"

me (thinking): Wow this is awesome! I will actually have an easy year in french, and the teacher will already love me just upon recognizing my name!!

Dear Phoebe: You are a liar. This woman is heartless! She didn't give me credit on my vocab homework today because I did it in my designated vocab notebook, and not on a separate worksheet. ???WHAT.  Oh, get me away from here I'm dying. 

Want to hear something crazy, and really fortunate? I have looked forward to going to dance every single day so far. I hope this feeling lasts..

See the people on the street? They go home and what do you think they dream of?

u-n-c-o-n-d-i-t-i-o-n-a-l  l-o-v-e.

Emotion At Last

I haven't felt such vivacity in a long time. The last few weeks of summer, I was secretly fearing that I had turned into that type of coral, the one that is heartless, and that a certain someone once told me I resembled.  I was feeling completely indifferent to a multitude of scenarios. Times where I believed a hurricane of emotions would be a more appropriate reaction. But this weekend, today in-particular, I felt so alive. Pity, emptiness, resistance to change, loneliness, cold, warmth, comfort, love, achievement, calm, hope, admiration, excitement for the future, innocence, it all comes together to form quite the rush. As far as sadness goes, it really shouldn't be avoided as much as we attempt to steer clear of it. It is the most powerful emotion our vulnerable human selves can produce, and its very healthy to practice it to a dull extent once in a while. The safety of sadness though, is if you are strong enough to know how to overcome it when you so desire. Then, you have the will to enjoy it for what its worth. 

So, Phoebe is currently living on the peak of a hill overlooking the Amherst farms. What a strange, foreign world college is. I drove the whole hour and a half home from Umass. Along the way, I came inches away from turning a baby turkey into road kill. I'm sorry for scaring you turkey family, but I knew the entire time that your baby was going to be safe. In my mind, and body too I suppose, I have complete control and confidence in handling the large clunky vehicle I am driving. My mother is not so sure about this control. Maybe she is right, who knows. 

Joey Hersh has the best house on the planet. His family only adds to the warmth and the welcome. I hope you realize how lucky you are, boi. 

And now I am going to go listen to Two Headed Boy Part II on repeat until I fall asleep. Miss you Pheebs.

Resistance

I am being torn. The entire day, I have felt as if someone has attached a rope, or even a perpetual wire of some sort, to my heart and is trying with all their might to tug it down into a deep abyss of empty sadness. This constant tugging isn't what hurts, but the resistance to stay up in happy-land, that hurts. And I am not doing so well at resisting. 

It is a major weakness I have, my inability to say goodbye to people. The need to bid goodbye to loved ones, as well as things, is only going to get greater in my life as I grow older. Change helps you grow, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I will gain the strength to allow it  to help me grow. In this aspect I have not aged much passed my sheltered childhood: Problem. In 2 years, when I have to leave my 18 years of comforting life behind, I hope I will be a strong, courageous enough of a person to do so with confidence and excitement. Like she is. 

in my dreams you're alive and you're crying, 

as your mouth moves in mine soft and sweet, 

rings of flowers around your eyes 

and I'll love you for the rest of your life.

Locked

This morning I babysat for Livi and Eli. As 9 o'clock is outrageously early to be awake, and I can hardly be expected to function properly, I was dosing off while watching Disney Channel with the kiddies. When I uncomfortably arose 10 minutes later, the strangest 10 seconds of my life happened. Everything was disoriented, it was like I was still in a dream. Fogged with confusion,  I told my arm to shift positions several times. It remained limp by my side. When I began to realize what was going on, I concocted a sentence in my head, and began to form my lips so they could release the message. To my horror, nothing came out. My mouth was paralyzed as well. All of this happened so quickly that I didn't have much time to settle into panic mode, before I became fully awake. But for about 7 seconds this morning, I was in sleep paralysis, where your mind is awake but your body isn't. I was shaken for the majority of the hours following. 

This picture is of Eli, as he is being guarded by the protective walls of his fort. I still don't understand why being engulfed in a cave of pillows and blankets is one of the most entertaining activities as a child. Maybe the sense of ownership, of your own space? Even if it is only big enough to fit your 6 year old self. A lot more goes on in a 6 year old brain than we generally assume. 

Haze

Sometimes confusion cancels it out.

Genuine

I have been awake for 36 hours straight. It is a pretty 'off' feeling, because your body is well aware that something is missing. I also wasn't hungry the majority of the day today. I only ended up eating one crepe and dinner at the flirtacious Mexican restaurant. I have iron eyelids.

I came to the conclusion that Holden Days is only enjoyable if you are under the age of 13 or over the age of 65. And I also concluded that I am not going to have a career in business, or sales marketing because I am not outgoing enough to take the initiative to sell a product. Never the less, we sold quite a few bags of organic, kosher, dog treats to support NEADS. 

I have a handful of friends who seem to already have it all figured out. They know what they are aiming for, and know how they are able to achieve it. I envy this on one hand, but on the other it is just too nice to have any feeling towards besides extreme pleasure. I am so happy that they are this smart and genuine. Maybe one day I can mimic their behavior, or just find how to manage my own. 

I am currently blogging from Phoebe's new college laptop. I hate this thing, it is going to mercilessly tear her away from me and bring her to college.

 

Early

No part of me was anticipating waking up at 8:30 today. I took my jolly old time completing my daily AP work last night, fully relying on the fact that there was going to be nothing waking my slumbers in the morning. You know that feeling, when you are deep asleep, and something wakes you up so quickly that you think you feel every single one of your organs wake up? That's what I imagine anyways. Well, this morning my mother came into my room, busy and exasperated and said "EMILY! You have to pick up the CDs on the living room floor before the cleaning lady gets here!" I felt so disoriented that I forgot that put my glasses on, thus running into several objects on my way downstairs. As I finished my apparently life-or-death-matter, extremely-urgent task, I attempted to go back to sleep. About 10 minutes later I hear the power washer turn on outside on the deck, and the house begins to fill with a faint, yet potent smell of gasoline. Soon enough the fire alarm is blaring and I am sitting outside in the only smell-free zone I could find, cradling Stella. 

I like other's birthdays possibly more than my own, because of the challenge to make them as happy as possible. 18 18 18.