Scramble

Isn't it weird, that there are aspects of ourselves that we don't even realize are there? And it is likely, that someone else has discovered these parts of you, when you are completely oblivious to the fact that you display hints of them? Wow that made absolutely no sense. Bottom line is that I think I have discovered something about a friend, that she herself is unaware of. Maybe she really does know, but isn't strong enough to believe and accept it. And the worst part is, some people never ever find that strength. 

So today was beautiful. And thought filled, and love filled, and happy, and changing. Yom Kippur is the Jewish 'Day of Atonement.' I have been practicing this holiday for as long as I can remember, but the purpose and meaning to it has always seemed to slide right past my naive mindset. But now  I have graduated from spending large portions of the service in the coat room, to escape boredom. No longer can I pass inappropriate notes to Phoebe who is by my side snickering endlessly. So, what to do but indulge myself into the service, and that I did. The prayer book that sat on my lap listed endless sins that we as the human race commit every day. Paragraphs and pages telling me how everyone has wronged them selves, their community and God, in so many ways. I have never realized how unnecessary all of the negative things I do and say are. In fact, they are so common and meaningless, that no one even notices! But somehow the thin pages of the prayer book knew it all. And thats when it hit me- WE ALL DO IT. We all suck sometimes, probably more than we even notice. Gossip sucks. Lack of patients sucks. Jealousy sucks. I want to stop having these feelings, and be more excepting, less judgmental, and have a better heart. So for all that, thats what I atoned for. And that is good enough for me. 

And you know what? Jealousy hides in every emotion possible before it will finally reveals itself, and surrenders to weakest traits of my personality.

Sorry if this blog made zero sense but thats okay because it is late and I am tired and I want to pass my APUSH test tomorrow. AND WHY? IS SO DAMN GOOD.

Sleep.

Thoughts as of this very moments:

1. Damn spirit week. 

2. Joey Hersh, you are a noble person and friend.

3. WHERE IS MY HAPPY MEDIUM

4. Fame comes to theaters tomorrow! It will probably be bad. 

5. High school dances consist of no real dancing.

6. Is being a chameleon a bad thing? I hope not.

7. Why? Sunday!

8. Sleep

9. Sleep

10. Sleep

Lovely

Tea and Andrew Bird go very nicely together. I get to dress up like Clark Kent tomorrow! 

and she's got knee high socks, what to cover a bruise
she's got an old death kit she's been meaning to use
she's got blood in her eyes, in her eyes for you

Slow Silent Thick And Black

I think, in a way, I am overcoming the standard of judging the unknown solely based upon another's opinion. I am sparking a couple of new friendships this week, in unexpected places. And let me tell you, it is a beyond refreshing feeling. Happy New Year!

The song of the day is any track from Don't Fall In Love With Everyone You See By Okkervil River because one cannot be chosen. 

Happy Hearts

Today is my parents' 20th wedding anniversary.

What? They have been whole-heartedly committed to each other for 20 years? Is that even possible? I have so many doubts about my ability to accomplish a similar relationship. There is so much I need experience as my single self. In the grand scale of things, I think I know close to nothing, compared to what is (hopefully) coming my way in the future. I guess thats why we all grow, mature, and eventually develop into the wise, beautiful people that we all have potential to be. My parents are two people who can put a large check mark next to this this on the: To-Do-In-Life-List. They are winners.

For some reason, I always interpret Phoebe's opinions of teachers as undoubtedly true. This is how our conversation went, prior to school beginning:

me: "Ohhhhh crap!!! I have Madame Scarsella. My life is over."

Phoebe: "Are you kidding! Emily, you will love that class. All you do is color and watch wicked good movies. And Madame loved me, so she will love you too"

me (thinking): Wow this is awesome! I will actually have an easy year in french, and the teacher will already love me just upon recognizing my name!!

Dear Phoebe: You are a liar. This woman is heartless! She didn't give me credit on my vocab homework today because I did it in my designated vocab notebook, and not on a separate worksheet. ???WHAT.  Oh, get me away from here I'm dying. 

Want to hear something crazy, and really fortunate? I have looked forward to going to dance every single day so far. I hope this feeling lasts..

See the people on the street? They go home and what do you think they dream of?

u-n-c-o-n-d-i-t-i-o-n-a-l  l-o-v-e.

Emotion At Last

I haven't felt such vivacity in a long time. The last few weeks of summer, I was secretly fearing that I had turned into that type of coral, the one that is heartless, and that a certain someone once told me I resembled.  I was feeling completely indifferent to a multitude of scenarios. Times where I believed a hurricane of emotions would be a more appropriate reaction. But this weekend, today in-particular, I felt so alive. Pity, emptiness, resistance to change, loneliness, cold, warmth, comfort, love, achievement, calm, hope, admiration, excitement for the future, innocence, it all comes together to form quite the rush. As far as sadness goes, it really shouldn't be avoided as much as we attempt to steer clear of it. It is the most powerful emotion our vulnerable human selves can produce, and its very healthy to practice it to a dull extent once in a while. The safety of sadness though, is if you are strong enough to know how to overcome it when you so desire. Then, you have the will to enjoy it for what its worth. 

So, Phoebe is currently living on the peak of a hill overlooking the Amherst farms. What a strange, foreign world college is. I drove the whole hour and a half home from Umass. Along the way, I came inches away from turning a baby turkey into road kill. I'm sorry for scaring you turkey family, but I knew the entire time that your baby was going to be safe. In my mind, and body too I suppose, I have complete control and confidence in handling the large clunky vehicle I am driving. My mother is not so sure about this control. Maybe she is right, who knows. 

Joey Hersh has the best house on the planet. His family only adds to the warmth and the welcome. I hope you realize how lucky you are, boi. 

And now I am going to go listen to Two Headed Boy Part II on repeat until I fall asleep. Miss you Pheebs.

Resistance

I am being torn. The entire day, I have felt as if someone has attached a rope, or even a perpetual wire of some sort, to my heart and is trying with all their might to tug it down into a deep abyss of empty sadness. This constant tugging isn't what hurts, but the resistance to stay up in happy-land, that hurts. And I am not doing so well at resisting. 

It is a major weakness I have, my inability to say goodbye to people. The need to bid goodbye to loved ones, as well as things, is only going to get greater in my life as I grow older. Change helps you grow, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I will gain the strength to allow it  to help me grow. In this aspect I have not aged much passed my sheltered childhood: Problem. In 2 years, when I have to leave my 18 years of comforting life behind, I hope I will be a strong, courageous enough of a person to do so with confidence and excitement. Like she is. 

in my dreams you're alive and you're crying, 

as your mouth moves in mine soft and sweet, 

rings of flowers around your eyes 

and I'll love you for the rest of your life.