Box

Today I had a 2 hour, solo drive time with Mr. Maki. Mr. Maki has lived in Holden his whole life, and he has been working for the Safety Council long enough to have taught 9,000 drive times. He doesn't go to movies, refuses to fly in a plane post-911, and eats at McDonalds 5 days a week. He doesn't know what a burrito is, and doesn't care to try one because he likes the food he likes, and thats all he needs.

In this life, I know very little of what I want for myself. The little that I do know seems to drift in and out of certainly everyday. But after hearing this, I can surely confirm that Mr. Maki's lifestyle is the epitome oh what not to do, for me at least. The only redeeming part of it all, that whisked me out of utter pitty and depression, is that Mr. Maki loves his life. It is simple, and that is plenty enough for him. He truly believes that if he is happy, what need is there to step outside such a confined box?

Note to anyone who is going to play any role in my future: Please please please, always urge me to be released from that confined box. I'm not fond of small spaces.

Dear blog,

I am inflated with love and friendship. Its almost unfair how happy I am, through this shitfest of a work week. Shout out to all of you who just gave me the strange foreign thought "I can't wait for school tomorrow" You know who you are.

Sincerely, Joy.

And I never thought this life was possible

You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for

Sickness

I wish this damn blog could talk back because I have so many questions about concepts that seem impossible to grasp. How can something so dangerous, and so deadly, be naturally produced by our own bodies? How the hell is this fair? What do I even say to convey my feelings of support and sorrow, when none of it matters compared to what she is going through? And most importantly WHY is this happening???

I don't even know how to put any of this into words. Fear? Sadness? Grief? They all seem to pale in comparison to the vivacity of these emotions that are currently engulfing the body and mind of myself and my friends. All of the sudden, this has become something so real. Something that has been out of the normal box of thoughts for my brain. It is foreign, and I am completely fumbled and unaware of how to handle these feelings. The only two I can surely identify in the hearts of their family are bravery and hope. For this, I am in utter admiration.

stay strong<3

Hanging Back WIth the Brooms

She was born on a bright new pew

To a gypsy mother and a bucket of tears

Her good looks could've sailed a ship

But her will alone could've sunk it.

Out of the ordinary things that happened today:

1. I only pressed 'snooze' on my alarm clock once, when the norm is 2 or 3 times. I was ready early! Amazing how that works out.

2. Driving to school, I witnessed an accident! Not really a real one, but some obnoxiously large, nature polluting pick up truck had rear-ended the Coyne car. These are the kind of things that make me content with the fact that I don't have my license.

3. A girl named Shannon almost passed out in my art class first period. She got wheeled away in a wheel chair, and I felt very very sympathetic for her.

4. I ran into Max Baker in the hall today while no one else was around and he told me he was going to the nurse because he had just puked. Gross. I hope Shannon and Max both feel better..

5. Dave got a higher score than I did on our most recent APUSH test and mocked me for it! .. Oh wait, neither of those things are out of the ordinary whatsoever.

Overall, this day gets a thumbs up. Our video project for English is going to be so perfect if we magically add another day in this week where we can all work together to make it. Since when do we not have enough time for school work? Isn't that not suppose to happen?

My back hurts. Shit.

It is scary how fragile our bodies are..

WedNESday, Yay.

Highlight #1: Today in art long block I managed to start my self portrait (everyone else started about a week ago, and I was stuck suffering in the sketching stage as Ms. Fusco mercilessly reminded me of flaw after flaw about my drawing). In the same period, I came close to finishing my self portrait. Do you have any idea how satisfying this is? It made me feel productive for the entirety of the day.

Highlight #2: My mother (the world's best cook) made tacos for dinner. Tacos will forever be my favorite food, and will forever be the highlight of any day that they play a role in.

Connected

And when Paul thinks of snow, soft winds blow, 'round his head
and the phone rings, just once late at night, like a bird
calling out, "Wake up, Paul.

Don't be scared, don't believe you're all alone."

Listening to this album reminded me of the connection that Andrew Bird brought to Joey, Emily, Nina, and I a couple of months ago. It is really weird when you have something inside of you, and you think it is so unique to only you. Like it is too big to explain with words, so how could anyone else possibly understand?But then one day you find someone, who carries this exact same 'thing' or thought or feeling or belief that you do and they can understand whatever is inside of you that they share. Today it hit me that I am surrounded by precious, complex, wonderful people who I don't take nearly enough time to appreciate. On the walk from school to 'The Corner Shop' I had a very enjoyable talk with someone who I am realizing has more of a connection to me (and my thoughts, feelings, beliefs) than I thought. And it makes me so hopeful that everything I feel inside this confused little body of mine is not alone.

AMSCO YAH AMSCO.

Something happens in the hearts of most people when they enter the driver's seat of a vehicle, I'm sure of it. Or maybe their heart simply just disappears? Bottom line that on the road, everyone seems like selfish, rude, inpatient assholes. The passenger seat is where my juvenile self was first introduced to words such as "idiot" and "imbecile" as my mother got frustrated with the apparently inadequate drivers surrounding her. Driving is a huge symbolic step in my life, and I do not want to fall into the trap of being an angry driver who honks, passes those going to speed limit, and whips out the middle finger. I am not going to become this driver! OKAY? Okay.

Determination.

P.s. This was a beautiful weekend- back to the grind.

In Your Heart There's A Spark

Not to be extremely cliche or anything and quote Winnie the Pooh.. but I'm going to quote Winnie the Pooh. Because sometimes you forget this, but I would like to remind you that you are "braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Never forget it, you're a wonderful, true person, and you have the freedom of accomplishing anything at all you desire, in your future.

Happy Birthday Week Jay '0H.

Good Enough?

-I hate powerschool with a fiery passion. It reminds you of every single mistake you have made, even if the mistake doesn't even end up mattering in the long run. Can't it just be pitying, and deem forgiveness for my mistakes? Damn heartless powerschool, it will never let me be 'good enough.'

I need change.

True Fall

Today, honesty is the bravest quality that you can portray. Embrace it, thrive with it.

I felt the wind on my cheek, coming down from the east,

And thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees

And maybe ours is the cause of all mankind

Give love to make more, try to stay alive.